Guythatnooneknows Has Opinions

It's Easter Sunday. Argueably the most significant Sunday in all of Christianity. I was really looking forward to attending Easter Sunday Service at Calavary Non-Denominational church in Grand Rapids. However, my grandparents are in town and my grandma has more then a few screws loose, so she decided not to go to Easter Sunday Service. Which was the only reason they even were invited up to Hastings. So anyways, becuase my grandma decided not to go I decided to go with my grandpa so he wouldn't have to sit alone in the service.

What a huge huge huge mistake that was.

Easter Sunday is a celebration. It's the day that Christ rose from the grave. It's the day that all those prophecies he made actually came true. It's a great day to be a christian!! CELEBRATE IT BITCHES!!

But no, not the ole FBC. What did they do? They turned the lights down, they closed the shades, they sang all about the cross he died on. They did little theatrical bits about how regretful people watching the crucifixtion were for not doing anything to stop it. There was not one single song throughout the entire hour and a half service that was remotely rejoicing the rising of Christ. Nothing.

And that's nothing to speak of the people in the auditorium. The choir did not smile, they glared. The audience did not wear celebratory Easter clothes like I did when I was little, they wore black and dark colors. The service did not keep me awake, it put me to sleep. Their bulletin that they print every week had the words, "First Baptist Church Celebrates Easter" on the cover, however, there was no celebration.

It was the single most depressing Easter service I've ever been a part of. It was lame. It was exactly what I remember First Baptist Church being 3 years ago. It was lame.

I thought about how much I read that my friend Chuck looks forward to attending Easter service every year because it means so much to him. I thought that during the first hour of the service. During the second hour, I thought about how I couldn't wait to leave.

That's not what Easter is about folks, not at all. Let this be a lesson to me for changing my mind and attending FBC at the last minute...

NEVER EVER EVER AGAIN!!

Last night I went to a movie with some friends. During the excruciatingly long previews there was a particular preview that pissed me right off. Brace yourself horror movie fans. Brace yourself hard.

There remaking The Amityville Horror. What's worse? It's from the producers of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. WHat's worse is, that's the Texas Chainsaw Massacre with Jessica Biel. Ya, the new one. The new one that completely sucked balls. The only redeeming quality about that movie was Jessica Biel.

What exactly pisses me off about this? Well, the fact that it won't be nearly as scary as the original, or nearly as cool. During the preview there were loads of creepy voices. In the original there is only 1 creepy voice line. I garuntee when the blood runs down the walls, it will look HORRIBLE, because new horror movies rely too much on CGI's for their horror movies. I garuntee there will be no large rat head with dark red eyes glowing out at you from the top window like there was in the original. It will be some creepy ass ridiculous looking thing.

Then there's the lead character and his wife. Played by Ryan Reynolds (who I don't really have anything against personally) and his wife Melissa George.

Firstly, let me just say that Ryan Reynolds won't be a good replacement for the original actor in the original Amityville Horror. Ryan Reynolds doesn't look quirky enough to pull off this role. Plus, after his lacluster performance in Blade Trinity I doubt he could act his way out of a box, like he'll need to in this movie. Secondly, those of you that watched the original know that the lead character's wife is totally hot. Totally. Now, she's being played by Melissa George. Judge for yourself but I say she's not that hot!!

All that said, I will likely see this movie at some point. But certainly not in the theatres, I'd rather waste my money on something a lot less retarded, like The Interpreter or some shit.

Bitch. You sucked me down, he thought to himself. He stood there in silence in the elevator, staring at his pay stub. He rode along in complete and utter silence. Not one that he wanted, one that she needed. He would have talked to her, he would have started a conversation with her. Fuck that, no he wouldn't have, it was up to her, he decided.

She had been the one to end it, there was no chance in hell he was going to open his mouth to let that bitch know exactly what he was thinking. He did that too much already. Before she fucked him, before it meant something. Then the shell of the girl he knew was gone, replaced by this robot, emotionless waste standing in front of him.

The elevator was too damn slow. When was it going to be over. He just wanted to scream, to move this thing with his own goddamn arms. He was sure he could do it faster. He moved his gaze from his pay stub to her. He decided that he'd just stare a hole right through her head until she talked. Fuck her, why shouldn't he be disrespectful, after all he had given, to get nothing back, he was so pissed.

She still wouldn't, wouldn't even look at him now. Not that this was anything new. She hadn't looked at him like she used to for a month. That was over. She ended it. Fuck her. All he ever did was treat that girl with kitten gloves. And now she treated him like this.

Bitch. She sucked him down.

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Why won't he look at me? What's his problem? I thought he said we could be friends. I thought we talked it out that last night. I thought everything would go back to normal. She stood there in the corner of the elevator, looking for something from him. She figured she would get nothing though. She was right. He must be so mad at me. I don't know that I blame him though. I just wish he would talk to me.

She stopped looking at him. She was too stubborn to be the one to make the first communication. The last thing she wanted to do was bring up that night again. It had been hard enough on her the first time. She didn't need to relive it. She wanted to apologize for hurting him, but she didn't.

She noticed his movements from across the way. Her face went flush, he was staring right at her. Don't look at him, don't give him that. It was her fault but she couldn't own up to it like that. She remained emotionless. She remained quiet. She remained.

She hated this, but deep deep down she knew she deserved it. She realized that she went about it the wrong way. But she couldn't take it back now. The whole thing was fucked up. She stood there staring at her coat. She wanted to hide from his glare. She couldn't. Not even a little bit.

It hit her. It hit her like a train. She was a bitch. That's what he thought of her. He hated her. She just realized how bad she had let it get. He probably wanted nothing to do with her. This chance meeting in the elevator probably was the icing on the cake that was his horrible day. She had seen the boss yelling at him before he left. She knew now that he hated her.

She realized she was a bitch. She realized she fucked it all up.

The following list is a top five list of guy's that I would go gay for. I know, your probably all thinking, but Guy, your not gay, why would you think we would care about who you'd go gay for. I'll tell you why, because you will care. So without further adu, here is the top five guy's I would go gay for.

Number 5: Puff Daddy


Look at him. He's king of bling. He's in a white godddamn tuxedo. How hot is that. Not to mention if I go gay for him and it works, i'll be in the hip hop industry. How cool whould that be?? ULTRA!!

Number 4: Hulk Hogan


That's right. I'd go gay for Hulk Freakin Hogan. He made me a fan of wrestling for life. He made me a Hulkamaniac. He's the man. He bodyslammed Andre the Giant. Hell he bodyslammed anybody that got in the ring with him. Who wouldn't go gay for Hulk Hogan?? YES!!

Number 3: Jacquese (Real World: San Diego)


This guy, he's the guy. He's the black guy that's a good guy. The one that's smart and reasonable and sensible. He'll bail you outta jail if your ever in. He represents order and control in the Real World house. He's not a partier, he cares about school and his mom. All that and he's still black. Gay? I KNOW I WOULD!!

Number 2: Don Johnson


This one's a no brainer. He stared in only the coolest televsion show ever, Miami Vice. When I turn fourty I want my mid-life crisis to be as close to this guy's Miami Vice days as possible. What better way to top it off then be gay for him too!! Hot?? YOUR FUCKIN RIGHT DOGGY!!

And finally, the number one guy I would go gay for???

Number 1: Brett Favre


Brett Favre. He's a football player. He's won a Super Bowl. He's handsome as a motherfucker. He's a great family man. He's funny. What's not to love?? I would go gay for this guy more then any other guy on the planet. I've purchased football video games just to play as this guy. I've purchased Green Bay Packer hoodies just so that when I put them on I can be reminded of good ole #4. Would you?? FUCK YA YOU WOULD FUCKER!!




Now, I'm not gay. Not by a long shot. And just to prove that, here are some obligatory shots of hot chicks to get all you dudes out there back to the land of not gayness.