This is the blog of Guythatnooneknows. This blog is intended to amuse and entertain, but also, to tell you what you should think about everything important to Guythatnooneknows.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

Chuck... WHA HAPPEN???

A few days ago I had the unabashed opportunity to interview one of the great writers of our time. Some of you may know him as Ron, the author of the most highly noted blog about the Hurricane, but I know him as more then a man, more then a myth, more then a writer, I know him as Chuck. The man, The Myth, The Writer. So.

Now, I've always prided myself on being one to never hold back, and always ask the hardhitting questions, so without further adu, I bring you the following: an uncut (well, except where I deleted my real name and inserted my fake name), an uncensored, a no holds barred, steel cage of an interview:

Guy: Chuck, thanks for sitting down with me for this monumental interview of galatic proportions.

Chuck: It's no problem duder. But between studying hard for my finals and flirting with every Asian girl on campus I don't have a lot of time, so please, lets get this show on the road.

Guy: Of course, of course.. now Chuck, When did you realize your undying love for kitties?

Chuck: I just don't see what the big deal is with dogs. You have to put dogs out, you have to train dogs. That sucks. Plus I do genuinely believe that cats are smarter. People always say; "Yeah, but cats never come when you call them." Yeah, because they don't want to. But, my cats are right under my feet as soon as they hear the sound of a can of tuna being opened. Plus, I think Persian cats are the perfect example of man's God given dominance over nature, with their flat faces and impractically long hair. God didn't create Persian kitties, he created the feline species and we made it better. That's what mankind is supposed to be doing. Taking God's creatures and selectively breeding them to make them cuter.

Guy: Chuck, you fashion yourself as somewhat of a journalist. What was your favorite piece, duo written in 7th grade about forced fashion? And Why?

Chuck: I was just writing a piece on my blog about that particular article, Guy. Although, I think my favorite piece I've ever written was the one on the social impact Ted Nugent has had on his hometown of Jackson, MI. Which is another piece that you were involved with. I like that, because to this day, I have yet to come up with a more ridiculous premise for an article.

Guy: Do you consider yourself more of a fatalist or a revolutionist?

Chuck: Fatalist. Without a doubt. I'm a total fatalist.

Guy: What really makes you giggle like a schoolgirl? And Why?

Chuck: You know that one, Guy. Pictures of kitties doing silly things.

Guy: Who do you find more attractive? Tom Arnold or Judiasm? And Why?

Chuck: If memory serves me right, Tom Arnold actually converted to Judaism. Tom Arnold really dissapointed me with his attempt at commentating a really sweet Ultimate X match betwixt Prime Time, Chris Sabin, and Sonjay Dutt. So for that reason, and that reason alone, I'm going to go with Judaism.

Guy: Chuck, your a devote Catholic, when did you realize your attraction to Asian women?

Chuck: I actually have an anthropological answer for that question. The male human considers light colored hair as a positive trait, therefore blond ugly girls have a better chance at producing offspring than dark haired ugly girls. Therefore, as a community, dark haired women tend to pass on more desirable facial features to the next generation. Making Asian girls quantitatively more attractive than white girls. I live in a dorm in which over half the people are Asian. And I will state as a rule that Asian girls are generally more attractive than white girls.

Guy: Catholism? more like romanticism, am I rite? Why or why not?

Chuck: Catholicism, romantic? Yeah right! You know what Catholicism got me for our one year anniversary? NOTHING!! And when I tried to talk to Catholicism about it, Catholicism just huffed and told me I was starting to sound like my mother. Imagine the nerve! If you want romance, I suggest you watch 50 First Dates. I'll be damned if that isn't the cutest little romantic comedy I ever done seen.

Guy: What do you have against meat? Do you find yourself less hungry for meat after a small tragedy, or more? And why?

Chuck: We've already gone over this, Guy! I'm not going through this again. GAH!!

Guy: Finally, where do you see yourself ten years ago? How do you feel this corolates with your persona in the future? And do you feel the decisions you made 10 years from now effect you in a positive or negative light today? And Why?

Chuck: You know, nastalgia is a fucked up thing. Sometimes people will say to me; "Hey, remember how we used to always do this or that?". And I'll think to myself; "We only did that twice". But, then out loud I'll say; "Fuck yeah, back in high school we were the shit!!".

I remember this one conversation I had with this old dude, I was making some remarks about the negative effects of rock and roll and the sexual revolution, to which he replied; "What are you talking about? We were screwing around before rock and roll came along". I've only had that conversation once, but ten years from now I'm going to tell people about all the different old people who have told me that they were screwing around before rock and roll came along, attempting to make some sort of point. Peole will listen to what I'm saying with attentiveness and respect, because ten years from now I will be getting paid to spout off a bunch of bullshit. I think that casts a positive light on me.

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There you have it folks. All the answers to all the questions you ever wanted to ask Chuck. Big props to Chuck for finding time to do this interview with meh!!

-Guy


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